This Is Going Nowhere
by Krizy-Chan
Summary: There is no plot to this, or "various characters of Kingdom Hearts get into scenarios involving fire, drugs and the Macarena". T for swearing and death.


"I," Axel proclaimed, "am King of the Strawberries."

"The Hell are you talking about?" Larxene asked.

"Banana cowboy boots." Roxas said.

Larxene opened her mouth to say a something, but was rudely interrupted by the fifty pounds of seaweed that flew in through the window and knocked her out.

"Yay, she's dead!" Xion cheered.

"No she isn't." Roxas said.

"Oh." Xion said sadly. She walked over to Larxene and beheaded her with Kingdom Key. "Yay, she's dead!"

Demyx floated out of his seat and towards the roof, tears running down his face as he sang angelic songs.

"Saix, Demyx is high again." Axel complained loudly. A moldy brown boot hit his head, making him fall over. Roxas and Xion stole his munny and ran away.

"I'll get you, and your little dog too!" Axel shouted, waving his fist around.

"They don't have a dog." Marluxia said. "Six cats, two rats, five hamsters, three hyenas, four elephants and a snake-spider hybrid llama, but no dogs."

"Doggone it." Axel said, and was immediately swallowed up by the Portal Of Bad Jokes.

"Free ice cream!" The children of the world cheered, and became fat.

* * *

"What is the value of pie?" Zexion asked Vexen.

"Three point one four one five nine two-"

"Not pi. Pie." Zexion held up a blueberry pie.

Vexen kicked it into Zexions' face.

"I see." Zexion replied, and walked away.

Vexen was never seen again.

* * *

"And thus, despite being a bed, questions about the shadows of her life in prison without a doubt became more than happy to be able to do... something." Lexaeus finished.

Xigbar sniffed. "That was a beautiful story."

"Indeed." Lexaeus nodded self importantly.

Then pirates barged into the bar they were in. "Take us to yer leader, or face the Cage."

"Of chocolate covered bats of doom?" Xigbar asked hopefully.

"Worse. The Cage of Kairi." The pirates said solemnly.

Thus, World War Three began.

* * *

Xemnas was riding a donkey.

"Superior."

"Yes?"

"You are riding a donkey."

"So I am."

They went quiet.

"Superior."

"Yes?"

"The Loch Ness Monster is coming to kidnap you and sacrifice your brain."

"So it is."

They went quiet. Then the Loch Ness Monster kidnapped Xemnas and sacrificed his brain.

* * *

Sora fell down a rabbit hole.

"Whee!" He screamed, and fell onto Alice.

"Get the fuck out of here!" She kicked his kiwis, sending him back up the hole.

"Whee!" He screamed, and knocked over Kairi when he left the hole.

"Hai Kairi." Sora said.

She beat him with her Keyblade.

* * *

"Clearly, this is a crossdresser." Terra said, pointing at a Riku. "See how she's pretending to be a man?"

"Oh. I gits it, I gits it." Ventus said.

"Why the Hell am I doing this?" Riku growled.

"Cause you promised me. Remember? You were four." Terra said.

Riku put his middle finger up at him.

* * *

Destiny Islands burst into flames.

"Burn... burn... burn..." Marluxia watched the flames, grinning. He then grabbed the recently removed head of Mary Sue and began to drink her blood. He then ate her "rainbow colored orbs" danced through the flames while pointing and laughing at small children. He did not die due to the immortality eating Mary Sue had given him. It was super effective! Young children cried as they burned! Marluxia was considered a gay Axel wannabe instead of a gay loser!

Then the immortality wore off and Marluxia was hospitalized.

* * *

Sora faced Riku with the solemnity of a duck. A very serious, old duck. "It has come to this."

Riku faced Sora with the solemnity of a duck. A very serious, old duck with mushroom-invoked deja vu. "Indeed."

"The great fight, one that will surely last in our minds minutes after its completion... Who will earn the right to the TV remote!"

"Let's duel!" Riku lunged at Sora.

An epic fight ensued, ending with them making out. Riku won. But Kairi had stolen the TV remote so it was all in vain.

* * *

"What if Peter Piper was allergic to pickled peppers?" Luxord asked. "Or what if he wasn't _really _Peter Piper, but Peter Pan?"

"Can I have that stuff you're high on?" Xaldin replied.

"Here." Luxord handed over his crack. "What if Demyx wasn't lying, and we did have hearts? But Xemnas didn't want us to know cause he's a prude?"

"Do me a favor and shut up." Xaldin said.

Then a swarm of fanciful ballerinas danced in and convinced them to join the mafia, ending this scene.

* * *

Kairi stood in front of a video camera. "I have an announcement. You can tell I'm serious because of my Serious Voice, and this box of pizza. I-"

"Hey!" Little Billy Joe Bob Stu pointed at Kairi. "That's the boy who stole my pizza, mama!"

A gorilla man jumped on Kairi and began to claw out her eyes.

* * *

"Why are we going to skydive into the mouth of an active volcano, again?" Roxas asked.

Lexaeus shrugged.

"Because I said so." Saix replied. "Now jump."

They jumped.

* * *

"Boogie oogie oogie!"

"Aaaaie!"

Repliku removed his ghost mask and laughed as the random lady ran away screaming. He put his mask back on and walked away to find another victim.

Kairi ran by, screaming as a gorilla man did violent things to her head.

Repliku stared, his options fighting each other in his mind. He shrugged. "What the hell." He threw a baseball bat made of fish at the gorilla. It ate the bat. Repliku stared, disinterested, then shrugged again. "I tried." He excused himself.

"Riku!" Kairi yelled.

Repliku beheaded the gorilla, then turned Kairi so that she could see him properly. "I'm not Riku." He corrected.

Kairi struck a cute pose, batting what was left of her eyes at him. "Mah hero!" She drawled, and hugged him. He pulled a gun from his pocket and held it to her face.

"Stop that." He told her.

"No." She replied, and grabbed the gun. She threw it behind her.

"Okay." Repliku agreed.

The gun then turned into a magical unicorn faerie, and they rode off into the sunset. Neither Sora or Namine was ever mentioned.

* * *

"Crawling! In! My skiiiiin!" Emo Kid shrieked. He turned to Zexion. "Now you try."

Zexion cast an illusion.

"Holy shit, cats are crawling beneath my skin! And bugs! The pain! The delicious, delicious pain!" Emo Kid cried. He began to cry.

A homicidal maniac jumped out of the bushes and cut Emo Kid into tiny bite-sized pieces.

"Thanks, Frank." Zexion gave Frank a twenty.

"Whatever, guy I just met. You a cannibal?" Frank asked.

Zexion shook his head.

"Oh. Ah well." Frank collected the pieces of Emo Kid and walked away.

* * *

"Fish fish fish f-fish fish fish, FISH." Demyx sang as his hair and forehead melted off of his skull. His brain exploded, the fiery debris raining from the sky and creating a beautiful scene.

"I never knew he had a brain." Vanitas said.

"You never knew him at all." Namine told him.

"Die." Vanitas deadpanned. He summoned Void Gear and chased her around.

* * *

"I'm tripping." Lea realized. "Everything is highlighted by the same color while a catchy pop tune plays in the background."

"WRONG." A seal told him, laying an egg on his knee. "You're in a music video."

"To what song?" Lea asked.

"Baby." The seal said.

Lea summoned his Keyblade. "Looks like I have to kill someone."

"Kill Xehanort." The seal whispered loudly.

"Okay!" Lea agreed happily, and skipped away.

* * *

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